Press Secretary: This will be held for Alex Chung and Burner as a joint position. My theory is if we have two guys that most of the world can't understand doing the talking then they won't ask so many questions!
Secretary of State: Boo Weekley. He got it done at Ryder Cup, he won't talk too much at press conferences and he will do the job right and still have time for huntin & fishin.
Foreign Affairs Secretary: Fred Couples. He's just smooth.
White House (Club House)Food Procurement Director: You guessed it, Ted Fort.
White House (Club House) Chief of Entertainment: Neil Kynaston
Special Envoys to the UGN: Reeves Weedon/Ian Clark/Paul Smith/ and Paul Hart
Governor of Kentucky: Kenny Perry, because he deserves it.
Personal Assisants to the President: Paula Creamer, Natali Gulbis and a host of others which will be released later.
__________________ Hitting the Ball is the easiest part of the game-hitting it effectively is the most difficult. Why trust instinct when there is a science."1-G.
White House (Club House) Chief of Entertainment: Neil Kynaston ?
He looks and speaks like James Bond's (the current one) older brother. I think Secretary of Defense is more like it. Plus he knows his "single malts". Just ask Bill Castner.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
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God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
__________________ The student senses his teacher’s steadfast belief and quiet resolve: “This is doable. It is doable by you. The pathway is there. All you need is determination and time.” And together, they make it happen.
We fully welcome our long lost brothers from England to insert their cheeky comments on this thread; however, certain ground rules must apply.
1. All citizens of the wee island must vote and finally decide: do you live in England, Britain, or the United Kingdom? Once you get your answer please notify us at once.
2. We have already adopted the Imperial measurement system, and find all metrifications to be improper, imprudent, unreasonable and ungolf-like.
3. Since we have guns and you don't, we're keeping ours. We will however agree that any tie in future Ryder Cup matches will be settled by the dual. Since you don't have any guns, you are welcome to use a bobby stick.
4. As President I will allow the Monarchy to continue provided that you surrender all James Bond gadgetry to my office. Also, all future Bond films will feature Ian Woosnam as James Bond. Also, Mike Meyers will resume the role of Austin Powers and be your new Prime Minister.
__________________ Hitting the Ball is the easiest part of the game-hitting it effectively is the most difficult. Why trust instinct when there is a science."1-G.
__________________ The student senses his teacher’s steadfast belief and quiet resolve: “This is doable. It is doable by you. The pathway is there. All you need is determination and time.” And together, they make it happen.
Chief of entertainment!
I am much too shy. Couldn't I have a quiet position serving Malt and Tia Maria?
Surely you can't be serious. "I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley."
I cannot recall you having a quiet moment Seriously funny guy this young lad from Manchester.
__________________ Hitting the Ball is the easiest part of the game-hitting it effectively is the most difficult. Why trust instinct when there is a science."1-G.
B. J. Hathaway, G.S.E.B., M.C.I.
Seriously funny guy this young lad from Manchester.
Hybrid Mode
